


The Paradigms of Lunacy

by TheCyrulik



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 07:45:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18090290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCyrulik/pseuds/TheCyrulik
Summary: The Witcher Modern AU short story, based on inktober prompt "chicken" to keep my artistic friends' company. Emhyr and Mererid have someplace Very Important (TM) to be, but fate is a strange thing, so things happen. Mererid thinks he's a servant and not Emhyr's partner in this AU, too. Poor boy, somebody tell him.





	The Paradigms of Lunacy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beidak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beidak/gifts), [Jagal](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Jagal).
  * A translation of [Paradygmaty literatury małostkowo-hedonistycznej](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16571405) by [TheCyrulik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCyrulik/pseuds/TheCyrulik). 



> Many thanks to Sunce Center resident aunt [Afrosarah](http://afrosarah.tumblr.com/) for beta - english language can be a true monstrosity sometimes. For [Beidak](https://eeerlenwald.tumblr.com/) and [Jagal](https://kurhanik.tumblr.com/), as oooolways.

Why did the chicken cross the road? If you were to ask Emhyr var Emreis, he’d answer shortly: to piss me off. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get to know the chicken’s intentions, but if one were to assume Emhyr was right about it (and may we add that he most often is), the chicken fulfilled its desire splendidly.

It appeared, according to the oral testimony of the event participants (2; say: two), out of nowhere. The white lexus was racing through voivodeship road no. 287 to Szklarka Radnicka and was getting close to Sulechów. General Directorate for National Roads and Motorways suggested the maximum speed to be no higher than 70kmh, but Emhyr didn’t allow any doubt or fear in his heart, and so the meter constantly showed a three-digit number. When Mererid, riding shotgun and admiring the views, shouted “Careful, brake!”, the driver did indeed press the brake, but it was hard to keep traction on the rain-wet asphalt. The car started skidding a little and the ABS system intervened. The car lost speed rapidly, but only stopped when it hit a cut tree trunk by the roadside.

In a short moment they both recovered and started estimating the losses. The only visible physical injury was Emhyr’s nosebleed, with drops of blood already on his shirt. The car was in a considerably worse condition. There appeared to be a big dent in the front and one reflector was smashed. All airbags Mererid was aware of (and a couple he wasn’t aware of, like the backseat curtain ones) were deployed. Before the man was able to break free, Emhyr had already been wandering along the road, trying to get a signal, looking annoyed. He had just dialed up and was waiting for someone to pick up the phone, when he saw Mererid had left the car. “Are you alright?”, he mouthed, covering the phone mic with his other hand. When Emhyr saw him nod in confirmation, he walked a little further down the road to find a better signal.

Mererid looked around helplessly. Corn on the right, rapeseed on the left. Sideway ditches filled with yarrow, chicory and wormwood. A chicken pecking the mud on the side of the road. The sun in the bright, cloudless sky, with no trace of the recent rain. A buzzard sitting on a telephone pole.

Wait, a chicken?

Mererid did a quick glance around. Emhyr was standing a couple feet away, arguing with someone over the phone. Many words were used, including “immediately”, “premium plan”, “I shall file a complaint” and finally “if I don’t see a tow truck in half an hour, I will show you hell and make sure you won’t ever leave it”. The tone and loudness of his voice suggested the conversation would take a while, so Mererid took a risk and approached the chicken.

“Get away from here”, he said.

The chicken didn’t listen, so Mererid was forced to take further measures. He attempted to catch the chicken, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to chase it off by following it until they were both out of Emhyr’s view. When the man and the bird arrived on the edge of the village they had just passed in the car moments ago, Mererid left the chicken alone and returned to the car, trying hard to look as if he were on a nice stroll.

“The fuck did you go?”, Emhyr greeted him.

“I just wanted to stretch my legs”, he mumbled.

“You could’ve said so.”

“You were busy.”

“So? At least I wouldn’t have been running around in the corn like a total moron, looking for you.”

Mererid tried to explain, but Emhyr had already approached the car and started inspecting it. He was puffing and snorting with dissatisfaction, looking at the dent and the broken reflector. Every now and then he’d glance at his phone, clearly checking if the insurance company tried to contact him. After a long moment of this bustling and mumbling under his breath, Mererid decided to take a risk and try to stop it.

“What are we going to do now?”

“We await for the tow truck blockheads to appear in all their infinite grace.”, said Emhyr. “>>All teams are away<<, that’s some next level bullshit I don’t want to deal with right now. Should’ve hired more teams! Why should I care? I pay for the premium plan. I should have the right to demand not having to be stuck like a peg in the middle of nowhere for an hour!”, Emhyr spit out the words viciously.

“Please stop. The important thing is nothing happened to us”, Mererid tried to calm him down.

Emhyr regarded him with such a look Mererid felt a deep desire to run away. He fought it off and opened the trunk instead. He pulled out a white ceramic thermos and a plastic bag with food.

“Do you want some coffee?”, he asked and, not waiting for the answer, poured instant coffee into the thermos cap. He handed it to Emhyr, who didn’t bother looking up from his phone. He grabbed the cup with a grunt Mererid decided to treat as a thank you, and returned to his phone.

The asphalt was almost dry already. Fortunately, there was no sight of that fateful chicken. Unfortunately, there was no sight of the tow truck either. Mererid looked at the backseat, from where he pulled Emhyr’s jacket. The hanger was torn, he noticed. He should sew it on as soon as he can. Mererid pulled a packet of tissues out of a pocket and handed it to Emhyr.

“Keep it under your nose, sunshine. Blood is dripping on your shirt.”

The aforementioned “sunshine” swore nastily under his breath and wiped his face with the offered tissue. His phone flew into the trunk, tossed in annoyance, and made a soft thud.

“Do you want a quark sandwich or tomato and cucumber sandwich?”, said Mererid, peeking into the food bag.

“Give me the quark one.”

Emhyr sighed and sat at the edge of the trunk. He pulled off the tinfoil wrapping the sandwich, tossed it inside, and started eating.

“What?” he asked, seeing the worried look on the other man’s face.

“Hold the sandwich through the tinfoil. You haven’t washed your hands. It’s unhygienic.”

Emhyr rolled his eyes, bud did as he was told. Mererid sat down next to him and both of them focused on their respective sandwiches.

“Don’t you want coffee? Do we have a spare mug?” Emhyr asked suddenly.

“We do, but no, thanks, I don’t want coffee. It’s without cream anyway.”

“Why did you make it without cream if you don’t like it that way?”

“Well, for you? You’re the driver and you need to stay alert.”

Emhyr accepted this explanation with a grunt and got back to his sandwich. Mererid looked around. Rapeseed was starting to blossom and its distinctive smell was noticeable, although less so after the rain. The chicken wasn’t anywhere in sight, which delighted him immensely. He was worried Emhyr might want to harm the poor innocent bird. Not a single car had passed them since they crashed.

“What did they tell you when you called roadside assistance?”, he finally gathered himself and asked.

“I made them promise me they’ll get here in 2 hours at most. We won’t be able to make it on time, anyway. I booked a hotel room for us already”, said Emhyr, his empty eyes fixing somewhere on the horizon.

“Ah, okay.” Mererid got closer to the other man and sighed. “So, we just wait, then? Do you want to go somewhere? Look how pretty it is here.

“No.”

“Maybe I’ll turn on the radio? There might be an interesting program, or we can listen to the news…”

“No. Mererid, I implore you – Just… let’s just sit in silence, okay?” Emhyr tried very hard to mask the annoyance in his voice, but didn’t exactly succeed. Mererid nodded and fell silent. He took a peek at his partner’s face, his lips pursed, dried blood under his nose and on his chin. He hesitated for a second, then gently leaned his head on the other man’s shoulder and closed his eyes. Emhyr didn’t sound a protest. Even better – his big hand found Mererid’s warm one and squeezed it with concern. All the stress caused by the accident and the wait for help, gathered in their shoulders, their arms and heads seemed to disappear. Only the comforting presence of a loved one remained. Since nothing could be done right now, the only thing left to do was to draw from the present situation as much good as possible. Mererid sighed.

The sun was setting.

 


End file.
